Cloud Strife:Raising The Evil Monsters Called Kids
by MalikaiDragonSlayer
Summary: The daily trials and tribulations of Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart as they attempt to raise two kids with the "help" of their nutty friends
1. Chapter 1

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder than Saving the World?**

**Disclaimer: If you were in any doubt I don't own Final Fantasy or any of its stories or characters. If I did I wouldn't be writing possibly crappy fanfics. I would be talking bathes in money. And I'm not so yeah I don't own it. Stop Yelling Me!**

**Chapter 1: The Dreaded Question**

Cloud sat alone at a table in the bar. In front of him a large map rested on the table. He was mapping routes for the next day's deliveries. This was a common occurrence since Cloud was a pretty cautious guy. But something was different today.

"Where are the kids?" Cloud wondered aloud, "I hope they aren't getting into trouble." The kids, Denzel and Marlene, were a handful.

"They're upstairs playing in their room," answered Tifa who was washing the dishes at the sink. Cloud didn't think that the kids could get into much mischief in their bedroom. So he went back to mapping his routes. Suddenly there was the pitter-patter of small feet running down the stairs.

Cloud looked up, "Hey you two. What's up?'

"Cloud, we have a question," Denzel said in a very sophisticated manner.

"Okay, what is it?"

"Where do babies come from?" Marlene asked. Tifa dropped the plate she'd been holding and Cloud froze. For about two minutes there was silence.

"Uh," Cloud said finally recovering from the initial shock, "W-why do you ask?"

"Mickey's mom is having one." Denzel answered.

"Oh! Tell him to tell her congratulations from me," Tifa said.

"Okay," Denzel answered, "So how does it happen Cloud?"

_Damn you Mickey. That stupid kid is always causing trouble for me. _Cloud thought to himself.

"Well, um, first a woman falls in love and then, um, she goes to a special... store," Cloud said, saying the first nonsense that popped into his head.

"Then what?" both kids asked.

"Uh, at the store she buys a bunch of... special seeds, and then she puts them in her tummy and after nine months the turn into a baby." Cloud was pretty satisfied with his explanation considering the circumstances.

"Okay. So how does the baby get out?"

Cloud's face turned the color of an angry tomato.

"They open her tummy, the baby comes out, and then they close her tummy back up." Tifa answered quickly. The answer obviously appeased the two children. The bar door opened.

"We re cl- Oh hey Reno, Rude." Tifa said.

"Hey," Reno said. Rude just grunted.

"Reno, didya know that baby-making-seeds come from a special store?" Marlene asked, "Cloud told us." The blood that had been draining from Cloud's face immediately shot back up.

"Fo' real yo? I heard those seeds came from a special bank but that s only for a woman with no dude. For the rest of the women-"

"Reno do you like your face?" Tifa asked.

"Yeah, why yo?"

"Well, you d better make sure nothing happens to it," Tifa said nonchalantly.

Reno got the message pretty quickly.

**A/N: This is my very first "published" fanfic and I'll continue if you want me to. I'll probably continue even if you don't want me to or could care less. Any way R&R, C&C and have fun.**


	2. Chapter 2

Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder Saving the World?

Disclaimer: For anyone that could actually believe I own Final Fantasy or it's stories: I don't. Never have. And probably never will. But don't talk about that in front of me.

Chapter 2: Cloud Damns a lot of Elementary School Kids Verbally

It was Cloud's day off and he was ready to relax. He was planning on taking a long stress relieving bubble bath... with Tifa, having a nice long "nap"... with Tifa, and later having some... fun- with Tifa. He thought about this as he walked to the kitchen for breakfast. Tifa was already down there and everything smelled wonderful.

"Morning Ti," he called.

"Hey Cloud, it's your day off isn't it?"

"Yep and I can't wait to spend it with-"

"Tifa don't forget Mickey, Liam, and Julio are coming over!" Shouted Denzel as he ran down the stairs.

"MICKEY?" Cloud shouted. Mickey A.K.A. Mitchell Roland the most annoying, not to mention most dangerous 8 year old Cloud had ever encountered.

"You can't wait to spend your day with... Mickey?" Tifa asked slightly confused.

"Tifa, you can't have forgotten the last time Mickey was over here! He almost electrocuted me and he DID set you on fire!"

"But Tifa said he and the others could come over today," Denzel whined.

"He's right Cloud. I did say that. And plus I already cleared it with Mickey's mom. She was really happy we asked."

"She was probably really happy because she wanted to get rid of that pain in the a-"

"Cloud," Tifa chided, "Language." Cloud grumbled something under his breath and sat down to eat.

"Tifa! Tifa! You didn't forget that Stephanie, Celine, and Brooke are coming over to make desserts with us for the bake sale, did you?" Marlene yelled as she ran down the stairs. Cloud prayed that Tifa would say: "No Marlene that's supposed to be tomorrow."

Of course, he had no such luck.

"Oh my goodness," Tifa wailed, "I totally forgot!" At that moment Cloud really wanted to cry.

Twenty minutes later Cloud was still sulking. He muttered things under his breath as he helped Tifa clean up the breakfast dishes. The bar door opened and Yuffie sprinted in.

"Are you ready Ti?" Yuffie asked.

"What are you talking about? Ready for what?"

"Oh c'mon Tifa don't tell me you forgot- it's Shera's birthday! We're supposed to go shopping!"

"Oh," Tifa squeaked, "Um, Cloud I have to go because it's Shera's birthday." For a second Cloud did not understand what she was implying and then it hit him.

"No," he answered simply, "No, Nope, Uh uh, not me." there was NO WAY he was going to watch a bunch of bratty little kids on HIS day off.

"So how exactly did you end up watching a bunch of bratty little kids on your day off?" Vincent asked. Cloud had called him begging for help. He could hear screaming and the sound of things being broken in the background.

"NO MICKEY! DO NOT TOUCH THE STOVE!"

"On second thought you can explain later," Vincent had decided this was a dire situation, "I'll be right over."

"Thank you Vincent your a life- HEY! I'm sorry Vince I gotta go... MICKEY DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT K-" and the phone line went dead.

"I had better get over there quickly before someone gets hurt." Vincent RAN out of his manor.

A/N: I decided to split this particular ordeal into two parts because I thought it was a little too much for one chapter. Plus it'll keep you coming back for more *smiles evilly*. Thanks EdgeDraco and Ann. Also to anyone else who followed or favorited (I'm not sure if that's a world but, I'm going with it) me or the story. I believe the one I got was from Mrs Cloud Strife. I'm not exactly sure because my email is being weird. Any way R&R, C&C and tell your friends too. Also explain to them that crack is whack and they should get high off of life :) The next chapter will be up soon. Probably today! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder than Saving the World?**

**Disclaimer: For the people who are still unsure for some odd reason: I don't own Final Fantasy its stories or its characters. I'm in high school.**

**Chapter 3: Cloud wants to, hand-in-hand, lead a group of elementary school children to hell**

Vincent was jogging trough Edge trying to get to Seventh Heaven before something serious happened.

"MICKEY, JULIO, AND LIAM I AM GOING TO MURDER THE LOT OF YOU AND GIVE YOU BACK TO YOUR RESPECTIVE PARENTS IN BAGS!" The sad part was Vincent was half a block away and he could hear the shouting.

Cloud wanted to commit suicide. Seriously. When he grabbed away the butcher knife that Stephanie had been holding he honestly thought about using it on himself. Hell couldn't be any worse than _this_.

"Cloud! Cloud! Mickey has your sword and-" Cloud didn't hear the rest Marlene said because he was running toward his room. That thing was dangerous. And he wasn't talking about the sword either.

"MITCHELL ROLAND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO MY SWORD I'LL CUT YOUR LITTLE DI-" Cloud paused suddenly. There was an odd sound. Silence. _Oh man what's going on NOW_?

The moment Vincent had entered the bar the room had silenced. Vincent expected that. Yeah, he knew he had that effect on people, especially young children. As Cloud walked in Vincent gave him a smug look that plainly said: _this is easy_.

What Vincent didn't expect was for one of the brats to yell "Let's get the vampire!" and throw a large plastic bowl full of cake batter at him.

After about thirty minutes Vincent and Cloud, working as a team, had gotten seven of the eight devil spawn children to sit down and be quiet. One remained. Mickey. They had been trying to wrangle that stupid kid for about fifteen minutes when Vincent finally decided he was at his wits end.

"Mitchell, if you don't sit down and shut up I will lock you in a medieval prison. There are no windows and only one door, the only other living things in there will be blood thirsty rats and irritable monsters. Do you honestly want that?" The boy turned white and shook his head. "Well then _sit down and close your mouth_." The boy jammed his jaw shut and rushed to a seat.

"That goes for all of you, Denzel and Marlene included," Cloud said sternly. Denzel and Marlene looked at each other and gulped, "I know the two of you have been trying to take advantage of the fact that your friends are here but- Yes what?" the little girl named Brooke was raising her hand nervously.

"Uh M-Mr. Strife, we have to make desserts for the bake sale."

"Crap. I forgot about that." Cloud grumbled. Vincent looked him.

Four Hours Later (say it like the Spongebob narrator), both Cloud and Vincent were covered in flour, sugar, spice, and everything pissy and annoying and used for baking. The upside to this was that there was a pie, two cakes, and three batches of different types of cookies. Cloud and Vincent had been the ones to sample everything. They didn't want eight kids that were nuts already on sugar highs. Finally, the the demon kids' parents' picked them up, Tifa, came home and Vincent thought about leaving. He didn't think about for very long, though, before collapsing on the spare bed in Cloud's office. Cloud had planned on spanking Marlene and Denzel but he got tired, just gave them a short lecture, and went to sleep in he and Tifa's room. Before he went to sleep though he thought one last thing..._**NO MORE PLAY-DATES!**_

**A/N: R&R, C&C and stay in school! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder than Saving the World?**

**Disclaimer: Honestly I don't own Final Fantasy or its stories or characters. It's so unfair.**

**Chapter 4: Cloud, Unofficially, Makes the Stupidest Move of his Parental Career**

Cloud and the kids were out running errands when Denzel asked:

"Cloud can we have ice cream?"

"No."

"Please Cloud! We'll be good. We'll go to bed right when you ask us to."

"You should do that stuff any way."

"Pretty please Cloud we won't ask for anything else today!" That caught Cloud's interest.

"Do you guys promise?"

"Promise!" They both shouted immediately. So he went into the nearest ice cream shop he could find. Okay pause the story so I can interject: WHAT THE FLIPPIN' FRONT DOOR CLOUD! DO YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT YOUR NUTSO KIDS WILL BEHAVE IF YOU GIVE THEM ICE CREAM? IN THE WORDS OF ROB SCHNIEDER'S CHARACTER IN BIG DADDY: THIS IS BULLSH*T! CLOUD YOU ARE SO DUMB! YOU ARE REALLY DUMB. FO' REAL! SO YOU CAN RUN AND TELL THAT HOMEBOY! GOSH COLUD SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SLAP A CHICKEN! Okay now that that's out of my system lets continue with the story:

Cloud bought two large chocolate cones for the kids and vanilla in a cup for himself. They ate the ice cream, finished up the errands, and headed back to Seventh Heaven.

"Remember your promises."

"We will!" They both shouted cheerfully. The bar was full of customers today. Tifa only gave her family a quick smile before as they entered the crowded room before turning back to her work. Cloud but all the groceries he bought in the fridge before leaving to do a few deliveries to places that were fairly close on Fenrir. Meanwhile, the kids were plotting.

"Marlene, did Cloud tell Tifa that we had ice cream and we weren't allowed to have any more sweets today?"

"I don't think so, the bar is to busy and Cloud kinda rushed out," Marlene answered. Denzel smiled mischievously. He started walking down the stairs and beckoned her to follow him. He walked to Tifa and tapped her.

"Tifa, can me and Marlene have cookies?"

"Yeah go ahead."

"Can we have cake?'

"Uh yeah sure," Tifa said not paying attention.

"Tifa can we have-"

"Denzel, just have whatever you want," Tifa said tiredly. (At this point you may be thinking this chapter should be called Cloud unofficially makes the stupidest move of his parental career and Tifa does something dumber but you haven't finished the chapter yet have you?)

The boy smiled, "Okay!" Marlene and Denzel had at least one of every sweet or junk food thing they could find and by the time Cloud got home both children were bouncing off the walls (literally Cloud had taught them parkour which he was now seriously regretting.)

"Tifa! What's going on?"

"Oh Cloud I did something really stupid!"

"What?"

"I told the kids that they could have whatever junk food they wanted!"

"THEY ASKED YOU?"

"Yeah sorry I wasn't paying attention because of the customers and-"

"I BOUGHT THEM ICE CREAM WHEN WE WERE RUNNING ERRANDS. THEY SAID THAT THEY WOULDN'T ASK FOR ANY MORE SWEETS TODAY!"

"We really need to communicate better."

"We want to watch Silence of the Lambs!" The kids randomly shouted.

Tifa's eyes popped "You guys don't deserve to watch a movie because you lied! And also Silence of the Lambs is probably not what you think."

"Fine we want to watch The Hills have Eyes!'

"Umm that's even worse-"

"No, let's watch The Hills have Eyes together. C'mon Tifa let's go pop some popcorn," Cloud said with an odd smile.

"Cloud we are supposed to punish them not reward them with movies and popcorn!" Tifa said when the two to in the kitchen.

"We aren't rewarding them Ti."

Tifa thought about it for a moment and finally got it. Cloud saw the realization on her face. "You get it?"

"Yeah we let the watch the movie as punishment and they get scared of it. Are you sure that will work?" Cloud nodded confidentially. They finished popping the popcorn and poured it in a bowl.

"Oh Ti I just thought of something else we can use it as a tool for when they misbehave we can say if they're bad they have to watch it again!"

"This better work Spiky."

"It _will_ . But we've got make sure they watch the whole movie."

Five days Later (say it like that Sponge bob narrator)

Cloud and Tifa were quite sleep deprived. The kids had been sleeping in their bed every day since the The Hills have Eyes fiasco. Every night Cloud checked their room, armed, about six times for monsters when he never found any the kids reluctantly climbed into bed, then Cloud sat there, still armed, until they fell asleep and then he went to his and Tifa's bed five minutes later the kids climbed into their bed. When ever Cloud tried to carry the kids back to their own beds they cried about nightmares and just came back. Tifa was really mad at Cloud.

"I'm sorry Ti seriously."

"Me too, we should've just spanked them."

**A/N: R&R C&C and eat some comfort food. ****J**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:Should i rewrite chapter 3?**

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder than Saving the World?**

**Disclaimer: I don't know why you still think I own Final fantasy or any of its stories or characters. C'mon I'm typing this on a borrowed laptop.**

**Chapter 4: Cloud Strife Officially Makes the Stupidest Move of His Parenting Career**

"Reno, can you and Rude baby sit Marlene and Denzel?"

"Rude can't yo. But I can."

_Damn I was counting on Rude being there… _"Okay can you come tomorrow at eight a.m. sharp and stay until about eight p.m.?" Reno really couldn't cause that much damage in 12 hours could he?

Yeah, he could. And Cloud knew it too.

"You guys Silence of the Lambs isn't..." Cloud was attempting to figure out a way to explain to the kids that Silence of the Lambs had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with lambs without using the words murderer, cannibal, or insane-asylum. It was pretty hard. Luckily, Reno busted the boor open at that moment.

"Uncle Reno's here! I'm ready to babysit your rugrats yo!" Tifa's eyes popped.

"Cloud, can i talk you in your office please?" they walked into the office.

"What's up Ti?"

"CLOUD-ARE-YOU-ON-DRUGS-STRIFE WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT RENO WOULD BE A GOOD BABYSITTER?"

"Well, Rude was busy and I figured-"

"Cloud, listen to me. RENO. IS. NOT. A. CAPABLE. BABYSITTER."

"C'mon Ti we really need this day to be together. The kids have been running us ragged. We need to have some just the two of us romantic time." (translation: C'mon Tifa I seriously need to get laid I've been practicing forced abstinence for like a month now.)

Tifa knew it would be a bad idea but she let Cloud talk her into it. Big mistake.

"Yo, you midgets, (I'm sure Reno didn't mean to be offensive any Little People out there don't take offense please.)" The kids ran to him, "They left me a list list of things we can and can't do so lets see shall we?" The list was as follows: _No sweets. No alcoholic beverages. Bedtime at 8:00 sharp. **NO SILENCE OF THE LAMBS! **_ectera. There where fifteen things on the list. By the time Reno was finished reading and crossing out though, there where about- zero."Whao! Cloud and Tifa treat you guys like kids!" (*shakes head in shame*)

"Reno can we have one?" Denzel asked sweetly. He was talking about the the .48 that Reno was drinking.

"Whatever yo. Finally, Carly you apologize to Abby! Yeah, Dante it's your fault that Michael went to prison. Yo, Jason, you can't stop Sonny and Brenda from getting married!" Reno was yelling at a soap opera. (The sad part was he wasn't even buzzed. This was just regular Reno behavior. Ask Rude.) Denzel picked up two beers. He kept one of himself and offered Marlene the other. She declined so the boy kept both beers

**One hour later. (Sponge Bob narrarator)**

"Yo! Sober midget!" Reno shouted, "How many beers did he have?"

"Uh, two and a half I think."

"SHIT!" Reno was now to put it simply- fucked.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN DENZEL'S _DRUNK_!" Barrett yelled into the phone receiver so loudly that Reno could almost feel and smell the large man's hot breath.

"I mean he had two and a half beers and he's rip roaring drunk, yo." In the background Barret could her the voice of an eight year old boy singing_:_

_"__IF YA LIKE IT THEN YA SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT, IF YA LIKE IT THEN YA SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT, DON'T BE MAD WHEN YA SEE THAT HE WANTS IT, IF YA LIKE IT THEN YA SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT. WAH AH OH, WAH AH OH OH OH OH OH, WAH AH OH, WAH AH OH WAH AH OH OH OH OH OH, WAH AH ACCK-" _Reno had grabbed the boy's neck.

"I don't like it and, I'D RATHER NOT PUT A RING ON IT, YO! SHUT. THE HELL. UP!" Reno screamed.

"I'm coming. Marlene better not be hurt. Denzel either," Barret told Reno. He headed to Cid's. On the way they would pick up Yuffie, Vincent, Red/Nanaki, Rufus, Rude, and Reeve. Some how he felt they'd need the whole gang to handle this one.

**One hour later. (Sponge Bob narrarator)**

When the group was in the bar trying to wrangle Denzel without using enough force to harm him and they were having trouble.

"_DON'T YA WISH YA GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? DON'T YA WISH YA GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? DON'T YA? AAAH AH AH! DON'T YA?_"

"NO!" They all shouted in unison.

"_FERGALISIOUS DEFINITION MAKE THEM BOYS GO LOCO! THEY WANNA SEE MY TREASURE SO THEY GET THEIR PLEASURE FROM MY PHOTO! YOU CAN SEE ME YOU CAN'T SQUEEZE ME I AIN'T EASY-"_

"Denzel, honey," Shera attempted, "Please stop singing _that song_."

"_MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY HUMPS . MY LOVELY LADY LUM-" _The song was stopped by Denzel barfing on the floor. He began clutching his stomach and Barret led him into the bathroom, then upstairs to his bedroom. They were each assigned a part of the messed up house to clean. Reno finished first and was watching television with Marlene. Nobody payed much attention to this until they heard Marlene ask:

"Why are there two naked people in a bed Reno? And why are they on top of each other?" Barret ran straight at Reno intent on taking his life. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it had not been for those meddling friends. It took Cid, Reeve, and Rude to drag Barret out of the house. Meanwhile Red ran to stand in front of the television blocking it from view, Vincent searched for the remote, and Rufus knelt in front of Marlene with his hands on her shoulders preventing her from looking around him should Red happen to move accidentally. They all began to hear moaning and groaning sounds coming from the T.V. Vincent was having a really hard time finding the remote.

"Those are the sounds Cloud and Tifa make at night!" Marlene told Rufus. Both Rufus and Vincent turned a bright crimson. If Red wasn't already red from the look on his face he would've been. Reno _still_ attempted to see the television.

"Move yo!" Reno said waving the remote around. Vincent yanked it from him and quickly shut off the T.V. Barret and the others came back in. Just as he was about to tell Marlene to go to her room to play Cloud and Tifa walked in.

"Hey why are all you guys here?" Tifa asked.

"I thought you guys weren't supposed to home 'til eight yo." At that moment Denzel came running down the stairs.

"_UH HUH THIS MY SHIT,_" all their jaws dropped when he said the s -word, "_ALL THE GIRLS STOMP YOUR FEET LIKE THIS. A FEW TIME I'VE BEEN AROUND THAT TRACK SO ITS NOT JUST GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT 'CAUSE I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!_"

"I didn't think you were a girl at all..." Cid muttered. Denzel was about to start with the "ooh" part when Cloud interrupted.

"Why is Denzel singing _Gwen Stefani_?"

"Surprise!" Yuffie shouted dumbly.

"Uh, yeah surprise!" Reeve said quickly.

"We threw you to a surprise party celebrating your... your engagement!" Red stupidly attempted. Cloud and Tifa looked at each other in confusion. How had they're friends know they'd gotten engaged? It had just happened.

"But still why is Denzel-"

"_LET ME HEAR YOU SAY THIS SHIT IS BANANAS B-A-N-A-N-A-S_," Rude began. Everyone aside from Cloud and Tifa joined in.

"_T__HIS SHIT IS BANANAS B-A-N-A-N-A-S, AGAIN __T__HIS SHIT IS BANANAS B-A-N-A-N-A-S, __T__HIS SHIT IS BANANAS B-A-N-A-N-A-S, __A FEW TIME I'VE BEEN AROUND THAT TRACK SO ITS NOT JUST GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT 'CAUSE I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!__A FEW TIME I'VE BEEN AROUND THAT TRACK SO ITS NOT JUST GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT 'CAUSE I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL! OOH OOH THIS MY SHIT THIS MY SHIT,________________OOH OOH THIS MY SHIT THIS MY SHIT, ________________OOH OOH THIS MY SHIT THIS MY SHIT, ________________OOH OOH THIS MY SHIT THIS MY SHIT." _their plan may have actually worked if Denzel hadn't barfed again and said:

"Can I have another beer?"

**A/N: First off much thanks to Gwen Stefani for making an awesome but potentially-terribly-annoying where she says the word "shit" way to much and teaches me to spell bananas. Maybe this cahapter sucked but i liked it kinda and i'm not changing it. Yet. Any way if you catch anything interesting in this chapter throw it at me. literally. Also, whoever guesses the soap opera Reno was watching first gets a cameo in a soon to come chapter. R&R C&C. Much love you guys.-Mali**

**P.S. I pity the fool!**

**P.P.S. LOL You thought i wasn't going to add something really wacky and random at the end.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder Than Saving The World?  
**  
**Disclaimer: No comment.**

**Chapter 5: The Return of the Devil Spawn: Mitchell Roland.**

Barrett was locked in the wine cellar slowly drinking his way through every last drop of liquor and into oblivion, Vincent was locked in the bathroom crying his eyes out, Cid had him self barricaded in Cloud's office, Red-Nanaki had burrowed in the backyard and was now freely spilling his guts to gophers as though they were his shrinks, and Cloud was trying to get Denzel (who by the way was going nuts) out of the washing machine. And all this had been caused by one eight year old. Mickey.

"ARE YOU INSANE TIFA ANN LOCKHART!" Cloud was sure his fiancée was losing her mind.

"CLOUD ANDREAS STRIFE DO NOT YELL AT ME!"

"Ti, how could you invite Mickey over here again after the last time! And have ME watch him again?"

"I need to go shopping with Marlene and the girls, invite the boys over, and have them help you! I mean cmon if five grown men can't handle two eight year olds..."

"Mickey is not just some regular eight year old Ti!"

"Mar-Mar! Denny! Breakfast!" Cloud knew that meant Tifa wasn't changing her mind so he sat down to eat.

"Mickey's still coming over right?" Denzel asked sounding excited.

"N-" Cloud began but of course he was abruptly cut off by Tifa.

"He's still coming over and the boys may be too." Grrr. Why did Tifa always chose Cloud's day off to invite the stupid miniature Satan.

"Awesome!" Cloud had to admit, it was nice to see the boy happy.

**1 hour later. (you must know the drill by now)**

All the AVALANCHE men sat around a table in bar. After hearing why Cloud had called them over Barrett and Red-Nanaki had rolled with laughter.

"You dumb ass mother-fucking blonde Cloud!" No one decided to point out that Cid himself blonde, "You're such a damn pussy ass bitch! You can't watch two fucking eight year olds?" Vincent stared at Cid horror until he realized that _that_ wasn't the way Cid was using the word "fucking". Modern words were so damned confusing.

"He's _NOT_ just a regular eight year old Cid! Vince has seen the evil kid in action, ask him!" Cid looked at Vinnie for conformation and he nodded.  
Red-Nanaki and Barrett still hadn't stopped laughing. _They won't be laughing when the kid that's been damned so many times I-don't-know-why-he-__still-walks-the-earth gets here._ Cloud thought to himself. He was wrong. They would be laughing just not at all for the same reason as they were now.

**1 hour later (I shouldn't even have to tell you to say it like the SoongeBob Narrator)**

"Hi Mr. Strife and Mr. Vampire-Man!"

"My name is Vincent Valentine and I AM NOT a vampire."

"But are you a man?" the boy looked at Vinnie's crotch, "Yeah your a man."

Vincent felt violated on so many different levels...

"Okay Mickey time to set some ground rules while your here," Red said slowly. "No-"

"COOKIES!" The insane child screamed seeing them sitting on the counter. Mickey A.K.A Satan spawn was able to inhale about five of Tifa's cookies before anyone was able to stop him. And that was how the terror started.

"GET HIM YOU MOTHER-FUCKING RETARD CAT!" Vincent screamed.

"Someone's been hangin' out with Cid for too long..." Barrett sighed.

**A/N: HA HA Splitting it up again! Sorry for not updating in like a gagillion years. My computer access has sucked lately. Blame it on my Bo ****Bo (brother)- Sincerely yours MalikaiDragonSlayer**

**P.S. My friend Julio works my corners :) A.K.A he's my man-whore. I'll probably add the rest today at least I hope I will be able to.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder than Saving the World?**

**A/N: I AM SO SO SORRY! I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH COMPUTER ACCESS UNTIL ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND I KEPT TRYING TO FINISH THE MICKEY CHAPTER BUT NO IDEAS CAME. This chapter is about something else. I will eventually finish the return of Mitchell Roland but for now you guys can have this chapter. I WILL _TRY_ TO UPDATE TOMMOROW. KEYWORD IN THERE WAS TRY.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or any of it's stories or characters. JFGI!**

**Chapter 7: Cloud seriously begins to think Tifa is smoking/sniffing/injecting illegal substances**

"Cloud, it is four little girls! Seriously what could go wrong?"

"TIFA! Something always goes wrong when I'm watching the kids while they have play dates!"

"Well, I already said yes to Stephanie, Celine, and Brooke's moms."

"Uh, why don't you ever think to ask me if I'm fine with them coming over? And not only that but you have always made me watch them! Weren't you the one going on and on about how we need to communicate better?"

"Oh Cloud," she drawled, "I'm _so_ sorry I forgot to ask, how do you feel about Stephanie, Celine, and Brooke coming over?" The look on Tifa's face told Cloud that if he said another word against it he'd taste her fist and be kicked out of bed for about a month.

"Uh, great Tifa I'd be happy to watch them as well."

"That's wonderful because I told them that you would take them to Build-A-Bear Workshop and the Gaian Girl doll store (American Girl JFGI)."

"Yay." Barrett, who was visiting, snickered the whole time but said nothing. The moment Tifa left to go wake the kids he broke his silence.

"Wow Spiky, whipped much?"

"You do realize that your going to end up going with us right?"

"Says who?" Barrett shouted indignantly.

"Says Marlene. You know she's going to get all puppy eyed, and go 'Daddy, will you pwease come with us? Pwetty pwease?' And you know what? You're gonna say yes." Cloud smirked at the look on Barrett's face. He knew it was true.

_Hah! At least I don't have to bear it alone._

One hour later. (You know the drill.)

"Marlene, are you sure you want Stephanie, Celine and Brooke coming over? They're always here! Why don't you invite your friend Gracie Abereaux (Ah-bore-roe) over?" Cloud asked hopefully. Gracie Abereaux. That was one kid he could deal with.

"Cloud, Gracie Abereaux is sixteen year old Goth who took a vow of silence for three years," Tifa said giving him a confused look.

"What are you saying Tifa? Silent Goth girls can't get invited to our house like every other kid in the neighborhood?"

"Cloud, do the world a favor and shut up," said Yuffie (who was also visiting) as she _finally _woke up for breakfast.

**TBC.**

**A/N: Hopefully I will have the next chapter up tommorow. R&R, C&C and flame my ass! I'm so sorry guys. EAT MY SHORTS! Snape still mean.**

**P.S. I uploaded the first chapter of a story called Vincent Valentine a... dad? and i'd really love for eveeryone to check it out. Please. I know I don't deserve it but you guys love me! Don't worry CS:IRKHTSTW still takes prority over that. That story really helps me with writers block though.**


	8. Chapter 7 Part II

**Cloud Strife: Is Raising Children Harder Than Saving the World?**

**A/N:GODDAMN I FELL OFF! I'm gonna do more for you guys. Seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not a rich Asian man. No matter how much I wish I was. Rich. Not an Asian man. I don't want to be an Asian man. Not that there's anything wrong with being an Asian man. I just... I'm going to write the chapter now.**

**Chapter 7 (Part II): Cloud begins to understand why Disney Channel must die.**

"Is everyone in? Seat belts on? Gracie do you have your notebook in case you need to tell someone something?" Tifa asked sticking her head in the backseat.

She got a "yes Tifa!", three"Yes Ms. Lockhart"'s, and a nod.

"Stop worryin' so much Tif. Me and Spiky got everything!"

Half an hour later.

Cloud Strife was very annoyed. Very, very annoyed. Very, very, very annoyed. If he heard the Hoedown Throwdown one more time, he'd have to slit his own throat.

"If she says "Do the Hoedown Throwdown" one more time I'm gonna to find this chick, push her to the ground, and yell "HO DOWN!" That's how you're supposed do the Hoedown Throwdown. You throw a ho to the ground and yell "HO DOWN!"" Barret shouted wildly. "Say it again Hannah! Miley! Whoever the hell you are! Don't think I won't do it cause you're a girl!"

"Barret, shut up! You're yelling at the radio. Even old people yell at the TV. Who the hell yells at a radio?" Cloud said with his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard it looked like they were about to fall off.

"OOOOH THIS IS MY SONG!" Marlene shouted.

"I THROW ALL OF YOUR STUFF AWAY THEN I CLEAR YOU OUT OF MY HEAD!" All the girls sang loudly.

"I'm gonna crash this car. I cannot deal with Radio Disney for another minute, much less four more hours." Cloud moaned. Barret began to slam his head on the dashboard repeatedly.

"SO HOW DO YOU GET HERE UNDER MY SKIN? SWORE THAT I'D NEVER LET YOU BACK IN SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER THAN TRYING TO LET YOU GO CAUSE HERE WE GO GO GO AGAIN! HARD AS I TRY I KNOW I CAN'T QUIT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU IS SO ADDICTIVE! WE'RE FALLING TOGETHER YOU THINK THAT BY NOW I KNOW SO HERE WE GO GO GO AGAIN!"

"Please. If there is a goddess save Barret and I. Please. I saved the world twice, you know. Please let me survive four hours of pure Radio Disney. Please. I'll do anything. I'll buy Mickey a sword if I can just survive this."

**One hour later. (does the Spongebob narrator have a name?)**

"Hey this Selena Gomez chick isn't all that bad. I mean she like making little girls feel good about themselves and stuff. And at least she doesn't yell when she sings." Barret gave Cloud a nasty look.

"What the fuck are you sayin' Spiky? This shit is gettin' to you!"

"I'm just saying!"

**An hour** **later.**

"I-I love you like love song baby! I-I love you like love song baby! I-I love you like a love song BAABYY! And I keep hittin' repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat!" Cloud began singing loudly.

"SPIKY! CLOUD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'?!" Cloud blushed furiously.

"I can't help it...they-they're kinda catchy Barret."

"SPIKY?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YA SPIKY?! AND WHO IS THIS CHOCOBO ASS YOU BEEN REPLACED WITH?!"

"Hey I can see what you meant Spiky. Her songs do sound kinda nice." Barret said sounding sort of entranced.

**In the third hour.**

"NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! I'M NO BEAUTY QUEEN I'M JUST BEAUTIFUL ME! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT TO A BEAUTIFUL LIFE C'MON! WHO SAYS? WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT PERFECT? WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT? WHO SAYS YOUR THE ONLY THAT'S HURTIN'? TRUST ME! THAT'S THE PRICE OF BEAUTY! WHO SAYS YOUR NOT PRETTY? WHO SAYS NOT BEAUTIFUL? WHO SAYS?" Everyone in van sang loudly (well aside from the the silent sixteen year old goth. She just head banged in enjoyment.).

**Half an hour later.**

"EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY! IT COMES NATURALLY, WHEN YOUR WITH ME BABY! EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY! IT COMES NATURALLY! BAY BAY BABY!"

"Hey guys! We're here! We beat the time Google Maps said by thirty minutes!" Cloud shouted cheerfully parking and turning off the radio.

"YAY!"

"Hey Spike? We goin' to the bear store or the doll store first?"

"Let's do the doll store. Get it over with."

Cloud stood of to the side as the girls designed dolls. It was sort of scary how they could make the dolls look like them. Gracie even found a way to give her doll black eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, and nail polish.

"You're not gonna do voodoo with that thing are ya?" Barret asked eying the evil looking goth doll nervously.

Gracie smiled and wrote in her notebook "Her name is Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow. Do you like her?"

"Ummm yes Gracie. Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow is very uhh... pretty. She looks just like you." Cloud said uncomfortably with Barret nodding along. Gracie beamed with happiness.

"You really think so? A lot of people are scared of me and think I'm weird." Gracie wrote.

"Scared? Of you? No way!" Cloud said with feigned surprise. Even though he was one of those people afraid of her he still preferred her over most of the kids other friends, and he would for long time probably. At least until she went totally insane and started murdering people.

"I know that's what I thought! Me? Scary? No way!" She wrote.

"Uh Gracie just remember who said brought you here and stuff if you ever get the urge to slaughter the whole neighborhood. It was me. Cloud Strife."

"And me. Barret Wallace, with two r's, two t's, and two l's."

"Barret?" Cloud said gently

"Huh?"

"Your name only has one t."

"Oh. Right. That's Barret with one t." Gracie laughed.

"Hahaha! You guys are so funny!"

"Yeah, haha! We we're joking! Yes we are!" Cloud said nervously sharing a look with Barret.

They finally managed to get out of the doll store and were about to head the Build-A-Bear store when disaster struck.

"Hey! Look everyone, its Barret Wallace and Cloud Strife!" A huge group of people came barreling at the two men.

"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?! SIGN MY ARM! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME CLOUD! I HAVE UNDERWEAR WITH Y'ALL ON IT! CAN I HAVE ONE OF YOU'RE BRAIDS BARRET?!" Cloud and Barret shared a look of absolute terror.

"WAIT!" Barret shouted thinking quickly,"We aren't Cloud Strife and Barret Wallace! We're, uh, I'm, um, B-Barry... Willis and this is... Claude Striver." The crowd made disappointed sounds.

"Wait, you're the famous AVALANCHE impersonators?! OMG I LOOOOOVVVVEE you guys!" Someone in the crowd shouted.

"MARRY ME BARRY! SIGN MY AVALANCHE UNDERWEAR! CLAUDE YOU NEED TO BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN! CAN YOU GUYS COME TO MY BACHELOR PARTY?! WERE ARE YUVVIE, TINA, KID, VANCENT?!"

Gracie (who was standing hidden behind a pillar while all this was occurring) managed to create a distraction by throwing Dragon's Pain Blood Shadow at the crowd. Apparently, the sudden appearance of an evil looking doll flying at their faces from nowhere made them less inclined to wait for Claude and Barry to give them autographs. Actually, it made them want to disperse and run for their collective lives. Which is exactly what they did.

With all the commotion Barret and Cloud were able to slip away with all the girls but Gracie.

"We lost Gracie Barret!"

"She was a brave warrior."

"We have to go back!"

"She sacrificed herself for us Cloud. Do you want that to be in vain?"

"Barret-"

"No Cloud. We have to move on. We have to protect the ones we got left."

" -_- Barret go get Gracie. You are NOT allowed to watch war movies from now on."

"You have just vainified her sacrifice!"

"Shut up and get Gracie. And FYI, "vainified" isn't a word."

"Vainified is a word," Barret grumbled walking away.

**Five hours later.**

Surprisingly the bear strore was rather uneventful. They all made bears and got the hell out of there as quick as humanly possible. Cloud dropped all the girls off and quietly drinking whiskey when Barret strutted in holding a large book.

"Look Spike, I found vainified in the dictionary. Hah!" Barret said sticking the book in Cloud's face.

"Barret, that's written in red crayon. And why is it under "U"?"

"SHIT! "U" and "V"always confused me!"

"You have a lot underlying issues."

**A/N: Oh my beejeezus I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I've been having terrible writers block. I hope this chapter is funny. I'm gonna try and do better for y'all. Shit sooo much stress in my life. Just so everyone knows I don't believe in story abandonment. I'll never do it. R&R, C&C and only sketchy people talk in the third person. Well except Sesshomaru. He's not sketchy.**


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